every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
