i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
