The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
