So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
