My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
