Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
