"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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