I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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