70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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