i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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