I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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