U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
