i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
