i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
