OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
