We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
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The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
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It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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