I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
