Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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