I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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