life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
