ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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