and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
