"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
