I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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