things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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