Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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