her vagina looked like bernie madoff
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
