i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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