Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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