I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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