Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
