a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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