i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
