I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
