Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
