I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
His hands were made for my vagina.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
