And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
