I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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