Don't make out with my wife yet
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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