No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
