This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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