WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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