I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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