Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
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