I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
