No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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