I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
