I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
