She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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