My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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