i just wanna soil my oats bro
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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