Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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