She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I need to stop coming to work sober
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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