I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
