Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
