I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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