I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
