I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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