I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
